The Jews have always been “stiff necked” people and in spite of allegedly being God’s “Chosen people,” they have had a contentious relationship with the Almighty at best and one might say that they have been one disappointment after another.

I guess it all started with the theft of an apple in the Garden of Eden didn’t it? Interesting that taking something that doesn’t belong to you was the first sin of the Jews, hmm… foreshadowing? They were then cast out of their living quarters for the first, but not last, time and off they went to conquer the world!

They had a couple of sons who then lovingly gifted their mom some more children and lo and behold, the Jews propagated and starting building clans of incestuous semites. But the Jews were bad over and over again and who can forget the time that Lot and his family had to escape the destruction of Sodom and Gormorrah as their God turned everyone to salt?

Pretty soon they pissed him off so much that he was like, “Screw this, these people suck, I’m going to kill them all in a flood and just start over. Noah!!! Noah!! There you are. Build me a damn boat!”

After Noah magically collected 2 of every animal on earth and survived a catastrophic flood the Jews settled down again and then magically teleported all of those animals across the world to their natural habitats.  Ain’t God just amazeballs??

They propagated again and started interacting with other clans who had strange and fearful Gods and customs but they were firm in their belief that their God was the strongest! But God was a jealous ruler and he wasn’t sure he believed them so he put Father Abraham to the test and told him to murder his 12 year old son Isaac in some sort of barbaric ritual blood sacrifice. Abraham thought, “Well, what the hell, I don’t have anything better to do today so I’ll hike up a mountain and gut little Isaac with my sharpened stone so God knows how much I respect him.”

Luckily, God was just pranking him and right before Abe eviscerated the helpless child God called out and said, “Yo, I was just joking! Oh my God, I mean, Oh my me, You should have seen your face! Ha, Ha, Ha, Got you!”

I can just picture Abraham looking up at the voice from the sky and being like, “WTF??? So, I shouldn’t kill him now? I already gave his room to his sister!” And God is like, “Don’t worry, go kill that cute baby goat stuck in the brambles instead.” And everyone was happy. Well, except the goat and probably Isaac who was fucking scarred for life.

After Abraham’s grandson Jacob stole his birthright from his older brother (there’s that stealing thing again) he formed the the 12 tribes of Israel, firmly establishing the Jewish principle of, “If we don’t steal it, someone else will.” The tribes flourished though and of course they ended up pissing God off yet again in the form of Benjamin this time. His baby son turned out to be a little light in the loafers and Benjamin gifted him a coat made out of the LGBTQ Flag. Joseph paraded all over in his resplendant costume and even hosted the first Drag Queen story hour for the children! He had to tinkle though and his brothers caught him using the wrong bathroom so they threw him in a pit and left him to die. This is where redneck Americans learned how to treat people with pronouns!

Joseph ended up being “rescued” by some folks into “50 Shade’s of Grey” who promptly put him into bondage and sold him as a sex slave where the Pharoh’s wife rizzed him up. But Joey was like, “Sorry, didn’t you see my coat? I don’t swing that way, but if you need a best friend HMU”…. then he absconded posthaste.

Joseph ended up a powerful man in Egypt and God punished the Chosen people yet again by making them slaves. But Moses was like, “Let my people go!” and after God did some evil shit to the Egyptians the people were free again and moving north. But not for long.

Next up? Moses, after leaving the stiff necked people and getting the ten commandments from a bush someone lit on fire, returned to find his people worshipping a Golden Calf. Hmm.. Money or God? The eternal question, amiright?

Well God was not happy (again) and said, “You little fuckers will now get nothing except a desert and some shit that falls from the sky. Enjoy the next 40 years bitches.”

Finally the Chosen people reached the promised land and the first thing they did was start making money and consolidating power. They became disobedient and when God sent them prophets they didn’t listen.  Some little children even made fun of prophets like Elisha and so God sent 2 bears to slaughter 42 children but still the Jews didn’t learn their lesson.

Again, God was disappointed and decided to destroy the temple and exile his people to Babylon. Man, these people had the strongest, nicest God and they just couldn’t get it right! While they were there they they were influenced by Babylonian culture and thought and exposed to the world’s first monotheistic religion, Zorastrianism which was based on the ancient Vedic religions of India. The Jews promptly stole this and returned to Jerusalem only believing in one God finally! Well, except for the ones who had become rich in Babylon and decided to stay… again… Money or God? Welcome to “Second Temple Judaism!”

The Jews returned with religious fervor, got rid of their Kings and established a theocracy with the different sects like the Pharisees and Sadducees gaining power and keeping the people in line. They  became so concerned with the law and control that they were super pissed off when some Jewish carpenter started healing the blind at the wrong time.

So, they got the Romans to murder the poor hippie and a little offshoot religion emerged from the followers of the dead guy. These people were fun for awhile but pretty soon they started arguing about who Jesus really was and what he would have wanted and of course, they caused trouble so the Jews started persecuting them. Rabbi Saul was one of the best and most feared persecutors until once again, God was disappointed and said, “Ok, fucker, you people killed my damn son, now you’re going to go blind and fall off your horse! Take that!”

But God sent this dude Ananias to Saul’s house to make him see again and this story is fucked up… poor Ananias who is told to go there and is like, “Umm, God… this is the dude that has been killing us all… maybe you’ve got the wrong address?” But the omnipresent one is like, “Bro, don’t make me tell you again.” And then Ananias went. Can you imagine how scared this guy was? He probably stopped and turned back 20 times along the way thinking, “Maybe that wasn’t God’s voice I heard, I was drinking that raspberry wine last night…”

But he got there, healed Saul, told him all about Jesus, changed his name and Saul/Paul went and invented Christianity! Next up we’ll tackle this gift to the earth and see how they’ve disappointed God too. But don’t worry, we’ll be back to share more of the history of the Jews! Spolier Alert… God will keep being disappointed and keep punishing his “chosen people.”